Integrating anger
Integrating anger
Exploring our relationship with anger
Over my time working with clients, I've started to observe distinct themes that emerge in waves for many individuals simultaneously. What's even more intriguing is when these themes align with my own personal process or something I've been exploring within myself. Presently, the prevailing theme appears to be centred around anger.
Our society has a multifaceted and complex relationship with anger. In the public sphere, the uninhibited expression of anger is often intertwined with privilege. Those possessing greater privilege often encounter a higher level of societal acceptance for expressing anger. Whereas less privileged people or groups often have their anger denied, or risk severe repercussions should their anger be expressed. Having worked in politics for many years, I have witnessed this dynamic in action. For instance, men, are prone to openly express their anger with minimal stigma attached. Yet, when a woman, particularly a women of colour, expresses anger, then the entire narrative takes on a more critical tone.
Our nature or environment significantly influences how we may convey anger. Culturally, we may live in a society or community where the open expression of anger is either more prevalent or suppressed. For certain people, myself included, might identify with Peacekeeper archetype, resulting in anger feeling unfamiliar or entirely suppressed as a means of maintaining harmony. For some people, anger could trigger an overwhelming response within the nervous system, whether from personal anger or that of another individual.
Anger in its most basic form is an energy. An emotional force that is fiery and intense, often likened to a volcanic eruption, compelling us towards action. For this reason, it is crucial to recognise that anger is not inherently wrong, nor something to be shamed or shunned. However, it is imperative that we comprehend anger thoroughly to express this emotion in a safe and effective manner.
Anger typically arises in two primary forms. The first form is when a boundary has been transgressed. At a personal level, this may occur when a loved one neglects an agreement (like washing the dishes) or when there is a perceived threat to one’s safety. At a broader societal level, anger emerges when a social contract is compromised or the rights of a particular group (essentially a boundary) have been undermined or violated. Consider the Indigenous sovereignty movements, Black Lives Matter, LGBTIQA+ rights advocacy, and the campaigns for environmental, gender or economic equality. In essence, anger serves to establish or reaffirm boundaries, which in turn fosters a sense of safety and facilitates the calming (down regulation) of the nervous system.
In its second form, anger can be expressed as a secondary emotion, concealing the primary or underlying emotion(s) that lie beneath the surface. Anger can be protective, safeguarding us from confronting a more delicate or vulnerable emotion that remains elusive or challenging to express—often exemplified by feelings of sadness. In this respect, anger is a natural part of the grieving process, acting as a mechanism to keep our sorrow at a distance. Moreover, anger can serve as an indicator of an overactive nervous system, prolonged activation of the fight-or-flight response. Instances of road rage illustrate this dynamic, or whenever we find ourselves increasingly irritated and agitated towards those around us.
At its most challenging, anger may become habitually internalised, causing the energy to become locked within the body’s nervous system—the anger is literally turned inwards towards oneself. Over time, this pattern can have adverse consequences for our mental, emotional and physical wellbeing. Alternatively, anger can be expressed uncontrollably outwards, leading to harmful outcomes for both ourselves and those around us. In this case, we might find ourselves grappling with feelings of shame or guilt, yet feeling trapped by our emotional cycles and a unregulated nervous system.
In order to come into right relationship with anger, the initial step entails the art of listening, comprehending, feeling and constructively expressing anger. A beautiful analogy is to “walk the beast”. This process involves giving oneself permission to express the energy of anger within a safe environment. This process helps us feel the bodily sensations and emotions that accompany anger, supporting us from becoming overwhelmed by the sensations and fear when anger becomes present. Gradually, we’ll cultivate a deeper relationship with our anger, enabling us to experience and harness its potential to support wellbeing.
Alternatively, it might require us to explore anger as a secondary emotion, ultimately fostering an environment where we feel secure enough to embrace and articulate the underlying emotions and parts of self that our anger shields. This process is more frequently experienced by men, who have been raised in a society that has denied them the freedom of expressing the full spectrum of their emotions—reinforced by notions such as "boys don't cry. In this respect, men can be guided towards the vast universe of emotional expression, with anger finding its place in balance and equal to all other forms of emotional expression.
Whether it be breathwork or psychotherapy, the exploration of our rapport with anger is a rewarding experience. Each emotion we navigate in these contexts representants a step towards reintegrating ourselves into a state of wholeness.